Parenting anxiety through a Pandemic

It’s hard to be human!

How many times have you diagnosed yourself or your kids with Covid-19? As a life-time anxiety sufferer, I think it is safe to say that I try my best to manage my worries and fears on a daily basis. Yet there is nothing like the novel corona virus to put me right back into fight or flight mode over and over again.

There is a fine line between staying informed and perseverating when it comes to keeping yourself and your loved ones safe. And, if you’re like me, you probably waver daily, if not momentarily between over reacting and under reacting.

So much of this global pandemic is unprecedented making it hard, if not impossible to know if you are making the right choices for yourself and your children, and it’s understandable if you’re second guessing yourself every step of the way. I know I am!

As a codependent and someone who has been impacted by addiction and mental health disorders on both sides of my family, I know all too well that fear, like we are all experiencing, can be a breading ground for unhealthy coping mechanisms.

So how can we ensure that our kids not only survive this historical crisis, but maybe even thrive? I believe it’s all about what we choose to pay attention to.

Pay attention to silent signals

Both my husband and I have struggled with anxiety our entire lives. It is no surprise that our two boys also display anxious behaviors in their own way. One of the things that has always amazed me is that in our house we have four completely different versions of anxiety and manifestations. Even though I know my anxiety well, I missed it for the first 5 years in my youngest and practically the first decade in my oldest. Sometimes it feels like defiance or looks like hyperactivity, but it may be anxiety or your child’s way of trying to gain control. Although this list is not exhaustive, it may be helpful in identifying common ways that anxiety can rear its head during these stressful times.

-difficultly sleeping and bedtime resistance

-excessive worries about being/playing alone, bad guys, germs, doesn’t feel safe, new worries or fears

-increase in soothing techniques: sucking, hair twirling, repetitive movements and desire for comfort items

-ticks, stuttering

-excessive busying, acts as if driven by a motor, always moving from one task/activity to the next

-avoidance of tasks/activities that require connection, conversation

-explosive behaviors, defiance, lying to avoid getting in trouble

It’s amazing how seeing anxiety for what it is rather than misdiagnosing it as a behavioral problem can completely change the way you parent or respond to it. In the past, my husband and I reacted by sending our youngest to his room when he was acting angry and defiant. Once we finally realized this was his way expressing his anxiety, we knew he needed comfort and reassurance rather than isolation or punishment. Regardless of what your parenting style is, having insight and understanding as to why your child may be experiencing behavioral difficulties or changes is the first step toward addressing it.

Watch your judgement

It’s hard to watch the news, read the paper or your phone or go on social media without seeing some poor soul, clueless as they may be, being lambasted by the general public these days. Rule following in our free country has become a hot topic for everyone sitting at home, self-isolating and exercising social distancing. Many have commented how they feel like they’re in kindergarten all over again being punished for the kids who can’t follow directions. I personally have had to “unfriend” people I called friends because they were not only berating adults, but children for their so called “entitled” behavior.

I get it! It can be more than frustrating when it seems like others are selfishly going about their days when you are making so many sacrifices. It can be enraging that more and more places are being closed and resources are less available because “people can’t follow the rules.” No doubt, it is scary to watch the numbers of positive cases and deaths rise in our towns and communities, but does lashing out in judgement do anything to flatten the curve?

One of my favorite quotes, “be kind because you never know that battle someone else is fighting,” has never seemed more relevant. The truth is, we have no idea what others are going through or how hard this is for them.

Maybe they gave up technology or social media for lent or they realize that the news and internet fuels their anxiety so they are “less informed” than others.

Maybe their household battles with addiction or abuse and so being outside and playing with others is the safest place for them. (1 in 4 households battle substance abuse and those are just the ones reported or seeking treatment americanaddictioncenters.org)

Maybe they are hungry, bored, not being cared for or battling their own addictions so they are finding ways to distract themselves. (1 in 5 households do not have enough food feedingamerica.org and over 30% of high school seniors report being addicted to vaping alone-National Institute of Drug Abuse)

Maybe they’re being forced to work or considered an essential worker. Maybe they have no choice but to leave their children unattended and maybe those kids are just being kids without an adult to guide them.

Regardless of the situation, who are we to judge them? Remember how hard this is for you and your loved ones and just imagine how much worse it could be for others who are less fortunate. And more importantly, what are we teaching our kids?

Rather than jumping to judgement and rash generalizations, could we talk about why someone may be making those choices? Could we bring some compassion to the situation and talk about how hard this is? For everyone! How we’ve never had to do this before? Ever! And how we all make mistakes? We can only hope we learn from our mistakes rather than perish from them. Having an open dialogue about the challenges of this global pandemic can help our kids to grow not only their understanding, but also their hearts. It can remind them that we all make mistakes and you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. And hopefully, if they feel accepted in our homes and free from judgement, they will be more willing to share openly with us and not feel compelled to lie or deny their faults in the future.

Look for the good

Just like Mr. Rogers reminds us to look for the heroes, there is no time like the present to find the silver lining. Sure, we could see the mess in our houses or instead we can see evidence of living and possibly learning. We can lament over all the things we cannot do right now or we can find gratitude for the fact that we are healthy enough to resume those activities when this passes. We can sit around feeling sorry for ourselves and complaining about it or we can take it as an opportunity to learn something new, become more physically fit or do nothing at all and relax. The point is, so many times we remark that we don’t have the time, we’re too busy and yet, here we are, gifted with time, lots of it and many of us have the audacity to complain about it. I guess it is true that the grass is greener where you water it. If nothing else, could we take this as a time to rewire our brains and look for the good? What we practice grows stronger and we get to decide what we practice during our response to COVID-19.

The bottom line is that this is an opportunity to teach our children how to respond in crisis. Only you can decide if that will be with fear and judgement or awareness, compassion and appreciative joy instead. Regardless of what you choose, your children will carry those messages into the rest of their lives.